If I would have reached out more would you have been responsive? I should have called you yesterday when I thought about you off and on all day. I could have, but I didn’t. I thought about it. Made a mental note to do it. Knew we needed to catch up. If I knew that it would be the last time I would hear your voice, laugh with you, commiserate over how life moves way too quickly, how we’re so much older now than our crazy young selves…..I would have.

You know I would have. You and I could go weeks, months, years talking like we spoke everyday when time, distance, and living our lives got away from us. Don’t know how we did it, never questioned it. Accepted it for what it was and knew that you would always be there when the urge struck. I never worried because I always had tomorrow or next week.

If I would have called you yesterday I could have told you how you’re always on my mind, in my heart, and thoughts. I should have reached out. That’s on me. If ‘only’. She was ‘only’. Amazing how a simplistic four letter word is so strong in my mind at the moment. The word ‘only’ so profound.

Another four letter word….’love’. I do, have, and always will love you. The light shines brightly around you and for me it always has. I saw past the struggles, burdens, and sorrow to always see your light. No matter what you did it never mattered to me. That’s the place you held so dear in my heart that even though my heart broke for you it never changed the facts that you were my friend and I accepted you completely for who you were.

Is it wrong to think you are better off while leaving hurt and destruction behind you? I know in your heart you wouldn’t do that to anyone you love. You had so much love in you. You felt deeply and emotionally. I’ll treasure my memories; road trips on country roads, dreams, desires, and heartache. Strong bonds that could never be broken. Friendship that lasted for a reason.

So if I would’ve just picked that phone up yesterday instead of fighting the urge I could’ve told you all those things, how much I miss you, love you, and how beautiful you are. I should’ve and for that I’ll always be sorry that I didn’t.

I love you my beautiful bright shiny star. Find peace and happiness because that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you and know that these tears are for the loved ones left behind, you for leaving too soon (before I was ready), and for the peace you have now found.